1 post tagged “woman;humor”
10 Things You Don't Know About Women
1. If we run into your ex-girlfriend in public, the first thing you should do is put your arm around us. And if we have to introduce ourselves, you are in big trouble.
2. When you tell us about a business lunch you had with a woman, it's a good idea to tell us that she's fat, ugly, old, or a lesbian. Preferably all of them.
3. PMS is real. It's chemical, and it sucks. If someone told you that every thirty days you were going to get jacked repeatedly in the nuts, you'd be pissy around day twenty-six, too.
4. When we say, "I don't feel connected," the only appropriate response is, "I feel it, too. Let's go out for a nice dinner and reconnect." Try it. You will get laid.
5. If you can locate the following items in our home—tape, casserole dish, Christmas ornaments—you will get laid.
6. If you act excited about the bath mat we bought at Target, you will get laid.
7. We really want to have kids. That is, until you want to have kids. Then: "Hey, slow down. What about my career? It's my body. I'm not just a depository for your sperm, you know. Fuck off. Wait, come back. I'm sorry about that. It's sweet you want to have kids. Let's talk about it in a year."
8. You know what's really gay? Football. Instead of watching it, just have sex with another dude once a year. Get it all out of your system at once.
9. We can make a "celebrity safe list" if you want. But I am way more likely to get Patrick Dempsey to fuck me in a bathroom than you are to get Lindsay Lohan to suck you off in your car.
10. Okay, wait. Maybe not Lindsay Lohan. But you know what I mean. Jenna Fischer stars in NBC's The Office and in the upcoming figure-skating comedy Blades of Glory.JOKES
Comprehending Engineers - Take One
**********************************
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second
engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
**********************************
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to
be.
Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
**********************************
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor
chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The
pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with
him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's
a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our
clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free
anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's
so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The
doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer
said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
*********************************
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build
targets.
Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
********************************
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical
engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an
electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of
electrical connections." The last one said, "Actually it was a civil
engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a
recreational area?"
Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven
**********************************
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet."
Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight
********************************
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he
enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress,
because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said,
"I like both."
Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine
*********************************
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He
bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke
up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the
frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The
frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took
the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally,
the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I
don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog...that's cool."
