29 posts tagged “jokes”
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to
hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.
A man was up before the beak for murdering his pretty, young wife.
Judge: "You stand accused of killing your wife. What do you have to say in your defence?"
Man: "Well your Honour, I came home early and found my wife stark bollock naked in bed with my best friend; so I shot the dirty slut. That's all I have to say."
Judge: "I see nothing in the transcript that mentions what happened to your best friend, would you please tell the court what happened to him?"
Man: " Well your Honour, I pointed my finger at him and said: Bad dog, bad dog!"
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A female student shows up during a young professor's office hours. She
glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels at his feet,
pleading...
"I would do anything to pass the exam".
She leans closer to him, flipping back her hair, gazing
meaningfully into his eyes and sensuously whispers "I mean..., I would
do.... anything!!!".
He returns her gaze. "Anything???"
"Oh yes" she said, "anything!"
He stared into her eyes, and in a whisper said "Would you..... Study?"
Airplane
An airplane is about to crash and a female passage
stands up and shouts "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a
real woman". She starts frantically removing all her clothes and shouts
again "Is there any one here that can make me feel like a woman?". A
man stands up, quickly takes off his shirt and throws it to her and
says "Here... iron this and then get me a beer!"
Church
An
old couple is sitting in church and the old lady lends over to her
husband and whispers "I just let out a silent fart, what should I do?"
and the old man replies "Well, first you should fix your hearing aid".
Supermarket
A
guy is walking around in a super market when a beautiful blonde woman
waves at him. She approaches and says "I think you are the father of
one of my kids". The man thinks back to the only time and cheated on
his wife and replies "oh shit! Are you the stripper I fucked at my
friends bachelor party while they all watched?" and she replies "No,
I'm your daughter's math teacher."
Doctor
A doctor
walks into a bank and instead of pulling out a pen to endorse a check
with, he accidentally pulls out a rectal thermometer. Embarrassed and
realizing the mistake he says to the clerk "Well, that's just great.
Some asshole has my pen!".
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.
1) One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help. "Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important." Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy." 2) A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I''ve come to activate your phone lines." 3) Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After awhile, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result. Pretty soon, when any monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original monkey with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four monkeys that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys, all the monkeys which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because that's the way it's always been around here. And that's how company policy begins...
Here are some of the answers given in a bible knowledge test
1. The first book of the Bible is Guinness's in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple
2. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night
4. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles
5. Unleavened bread is bread made with no ingredients
6. Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 Commandments
7. The seventh commandment is, "thou shalt not admit adultery"
8. Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol
9. Solomon had 100 wives and 700 porcupines
10. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption
11. The people who followed Jesus were called the 2 decibels
12. The epistles were the wives of the apostles
13. One of the opossums was St. Matthew
14. Salome danced in 7 veils in front of King Harrod's
15. Paul preached acrimony, which is another name for marriage
16. David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times
17. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony
18. The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathetic Genitals
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied,"the Davis family bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Davis house and nobody offered me a damned thing."
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied,"Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
She replies, "Ours is prettier."
You have the right to remain silent.Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. You can’t have everything….where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. He who laughs last thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. On the other hand you have different fingers. Change is inevitable except from a vending machine. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it. Those who live by the sword… get shot by those who don’t. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He’s not dead… he’s electroencephalographically challenged. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more.
6. Drink. Drink some more.
7. Take up a new habit: smoking.
8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night.
9. Spend more time at work.
10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.
11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
12. Quit giving money & time to charity.
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
15. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
16. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
17.Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.
18. Personal goal: bring back disco.
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." -- Ellen DeGeneres
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." -- Bobcat Goldthwait
"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money." -- Kevin Meaney
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" -- Jon Stewart
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' " -- Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" -- Warren Hutcherson
"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache." -- Jack Mayberry
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." -- Elayne Boosler
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" -- John Mendoza
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second." -- Steven Wright
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." -- Conan O'Brien
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." -- Rita Rudner
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin." -- Winston Spear
"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player." -- Marsha Warfield
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there." -- Ron Richards
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." -- Lily Tomlin
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" -- Rita Rudner
"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter." -- Drew Carey
"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in." -- Yakov Smirnoff
"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease." -- Bill Maher
"You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day." -- Jay Mohr
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." -- Jerry Seinfeld
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." -- -Ellen DeGeneres
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." -- Jay Leno
"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away." -- Billiam Coronell
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." -- Dick Cavett
"I have such poor vision I can date anybody." -- Garry Shandling
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." -- Rita Rudner
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." -- Lily Tomlin
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it." -- Steven Wright
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' " -- Bruce Baum
