136 posts tagged “joke”

On a lawnmower I had was a big label which read: "WARNING WHEN MOTOR IS RUNNING- THE BLADE IS TURNING!"

We once bought a grocery store pizza and the instruction were on the bottom, so we turned it upside down to see how long to cook it etc., and low and behold the first instruction was DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN!

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice…

My bathroom has inadequate ventilation and therefore, develops mold spots in the lower corners. I attempted to purchase a cleaner specifically designed to remove bathroom mold deposits. The directions on the product label stated, "Only use in well ventilated areas."

Seen on the bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle: "Do not open here."

On a bottle of spray paint: "Do not spray in your face."

On a bottle of bathtub cleaner: For best results, start with clean bathtub before use.

On a container of lighter fluid: WARNING: Contents flammable!

On a bottle of hand lotion: Warning: Starts healing skin on contact.

On a box of household nails: CAUTION! - Do NOT swallow nails! May cause irritation!

Microwave popcorn is packaged so that the directions cannot be read unless you open the plastic and unfold it. Direction #1 is Remove plastic.

On a television commercial that says it cleans dentures 4 times better. Below in small print it said "Lab test: (their product) vs. water.

On a television commercial I saw it said they their denture paste was better than any other. BELOW IT, it said in small letters, vs. using no adhesive.

I have a full-face motorcycle helmet with a giant arrow pointing to the front. I can only guess that some idiot put the helmet on backwards, jumped on a bike and hurt himself. This is to protect to manufacturer from future lawsuits.

One day I went to a wall-mart out of state and I went to buy a blow dryer when I read the warnings it said "DO NOT BLOW DRY IN SLEEP"

Seen on the back of a drink bottle label: "Do not peel label off."

On a Band-Aid box: "For serious injuries, seek medical attention."

On a can of powdered infant formula: "Mix with water before serving." Like I'm going to spoon it to my baby dry!

This stupid label was found on a can of Woolite carpet cleaner: "Safe for carpets, too!"

This label was found on the BOTTOM of a box of glass ornaments: "Do not turn upside down."

On a box of Frosted Cheerio's, the logo, "Tastes so good this box never closes," is located just underneath another announcement: "To close: place tab here."

On a plastic orange juice can: "100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed orange juice from concentrate."

I once saw an ad for some type of contest on a candy bar. The wrapper said "No purchase necessary - Details Inside."

Directions for eating Lunchables Nachos: Dip chips in cheese and salsa.

The golf carts on the course I worked at have warning labels saying, "Not for highway use."

On Clorox Fresh Care: (for cleaning out odors from fabric) "Safe to use in households with pets Warning: Fresh Care is NOT intended to be sprayed directly on pets."

While working at a large medical center in the Midwest, a construction worker was admitted with a large hammer sticking out of his head. Seems he was in an altercation with another gentleman. On the side of the hammer were the words, 'Use protective eyewear.'

On the back of the Pilots seat on NATO AWAC Aircraft (E-3A), is a sign that states: "Seat must be facing forward for take off and landing."

I came upon a bottle of children's cough medicine stating "Caution: May cause drowsiness; do not drive or operate heavy machinery"

On the label of Sterno is a warning that says, "Do not use near fire or flame." Check it out!

Seen on a container of salt:
Warning: High in sodium

Seen on computer instructions: Visit our site for further instructions. http://www.pc.com/pc/instructions.htm

On a hose nozzle there was a warning that said: "Do not spray into electrical outlet."

Seen on an industrial size washer in our local laundry establishment was the (large lettered) sign: "Warning: Do not put any person in this washer."

There is also a stroller on the market with the warning, "Remove child before folding."

I saw a car ad depicting cars driving in the water with fins like sharks. At the end of the ad in small letters it read: "Caution, do not drive underwater"

An American salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan.

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "But down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures, $20." "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, "This machine provides a service men need when away from their wives, 50 cents."

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit, which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

1. Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.

2. This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding: "as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

4. From H.A.L. Administration dept: "As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

6. An incident of a leave letter "I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

7. A leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: "As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

9. Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."

10. Another one: "Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

11. Actual letter written for application of leave: "My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

12. Letter writing: - "I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

13. A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

The following is a true story, and this situation supposedly occurred in a real courtroom.

At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.

"Did you actually see the accident?" he asked.

The witness responded with a polite, "Yes, sir."

"How far away were you when the accident happened?"

"I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision."

"Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?" the lawyer asked, sarcastically, "Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into court and give that type of detail?"

The witness was unphased. "Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distance

A patrol car has been following this vehicle for about 30 minutes now, when they finally decide to pull it over. The officer steps out and walks up to the driver's window.

"Good afternoon sir"

"Good afternoon, any problems ?

"No sir. My partner and I have been following and observing you for a half an hour now. We ascertained that you have not committed one single traffic violation, you have not gone over the speed limit by even 1 mph, you were courteous towards the fellow drivers on the road. Therefore, as a part of our new "solid driving awareness program" I would like to present you with this check for $30,000.00."

The driver lets out a big sigh of relief:

"Oh good ! Now I can finally pay to get my driver's license. (Ooops!)"

Awkward silence, then the wife sitting in the passenger seat goes:

"Don't listen to him, officer, he always talks nonsense when he has been drinking."

Grandma who's a little hard of hearing adds from the backseat:

"Aye aye aye, didn't I tell you not to go in a stolen car?"

At this time the trunck pops open and a head peeks out:

"Are we over the border yet?"

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

Sometimes memory lapses are a good thing

A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I think you're the father of one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Holy shit," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my butt?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher.

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex.

1st: Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!

2nd: You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?

1st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!

So the second old man rushed to the store.

Clerk: May I help you?

Old man: Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please.

Clerk: That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!

Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?

One Sunday, a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor noticed that someone had contributed a $100 bill. Extremely grateful, he wanted to personally thank the generous person before the whole congregation.

A quiet, elderly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she pointed to the three handsomest men in the congregation: "I'll take him and him and him."