3 posts tagged “humour”

1. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem."

2. Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.

3. "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.

4. Describe parts of your thesis using interpretive dance.

5. "Musical accompaniment provided by..."

6. Stage your own death/suicide.

7. Lead the spectators in a Wave.

8. Have a sing-a-long.

9. "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?"

10. "Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..."

11. Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors from sitting in.

12. Puppet show.

13. Group prayer.

14. Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld.

15. Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.

16. "I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!"

17. Imitate Groucho Marx.

18. Mime.

19. Hold a Tupperware party.

20. Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads.

21. "Everybody rhumba!!"

22. "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..."

23. Charge a cover and check for ID.

24. "In protest of our government's systematic and brutal oppression of minorities..."

25. "Anybody else as drunk as I am?"

26. Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics...

27. Use a Super Soaker to point at people.

28. Surreptitiously fill the room with laughing gas.

29. Door prizes and a raffle.

30. "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..."

31. "And now, a word from our sponsor..."

32. Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter.

33. Whine piteously, beg, cry...

34. Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin.

35. The Emperor's New Slides ("only fools can't see the writing...")

36. Table dance (you or an exotic dancer.)

37. Fashion show.

38. "Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..."

39. "I'd like to thank the Academy..."

40. Minstrel show (blackface, etc...)

41. Previews, cartoons, and the Jimmy Fund.

42. Pass the collection basket.

43. Two-drink minimum.

44. Black tie only.

45. "Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a Jew walked into a bar..."

46. Incite a revolt.

47. Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.

48. Release a flock of doves.

49. Defense by proxy.

50. "And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..."

51. Leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets scattered about.

52. "There will be a short quiz after my presentation..."

53. "Professor Robinson, will you marry me?"

54. Bring your pet boa.

55. Tell ghost stories.

56. Do a "show and tell".

57. Food fight.

58. Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional.

59. Halftime show.

60. "Duck, duck, duck, duck... GOOSE!"

61. "OK - which one of you farted?"

62. Rimshot.

63. Sell those big foam "We're number #1 (sic." hands)

64. Pass out souvenir matchbooks.

65. 3-ring defense.

66. "Tag - you're it!"

67. Circulate a vicious rumor that the Dead will be opening, making sure that it gets on the radio stations, and escape during all the commotion.

68. Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the original room is not available, and the defense has been relocated to (Made-up non-existent room number."

69. Hang a piñata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band.

70. Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question he asks.

71. Rent a billboard on the highway proclaiming "Thanks for passing me Professors X, Y, and Z" - BEFORE your defense happens.

72. Have a make-your-own-sundae table during the defense.

73. Make committee members wear silly hats.

74. Simulate your experiment with a virtual reality system for the spectators.

75. Do a soft-shoe routine.

76. Throw a masquerade defense, complete with bobbing for apples and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.

77. Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.

78. "The responsorial psalm can be found on page 124 of the thesis..."

79. Tap dance.

80. Vaudeville.

81. "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'. You're out."

82. Flex and show off those massive pecs.

83. Dress in top hat and tails.

84. Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and a bonfire.

85. Detonate a small nuclear device in the room. Or threaten to.

86. Shadow puppets.

87. Show slides of your last vacation.

88. Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps.

89. Same as #88, but instead of a tape recorder, go around the room making a different person read the pre-written text for each picture.

90. "OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave."

91. Call your advisor "sweetie".

92. Have everyone pose for a group photo.

93. Instant replay.

94. Laugh maniacally.

95. Talk with your mouth full.

96. Start speaking in tongues.

97. Explode.

98. Implode.

99. Spontaneously combust.

100. Answer every question with a question.

• "Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."

• "On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."

• "The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."

• "Discharge status: Alive but without permission."

• "Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."

• "The patient refused an autopsy."

• "The patient has no past history of suicides."

• "Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."

• "Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."

• "Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."

• "She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."

• "She is numb from her toes down."

• "While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."

• "The skin was moist and dry."

• "Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."

• "Patient was alert and unresponsive."

• "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."

• "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."

• "The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."

• "Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."

• "Skin: Somewhat pale but present."

• "Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree."

• "By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better."

• "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."

• "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."

• "Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."

• "The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."

• "The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."

Never eat at a place called Mom's.

Never hold a rap contest at a square dance.

Never buy a recording of a heavy metal barbershop quartet.

Never listen to Chubby Checker's "Let's do the Twist", when you're stuck in quicksand.

Never play cards with a man named Doc.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.

Never share a foxhole with someone who is braver than you are.

Never argue with a woman when she's tired.

Never argue with a woman when she's rested.

Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight!

Never decide to buy anything while listening to the salesman.

Never argue with a fool. People may not be able to tell the difference.

Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.

Never argue with a man who buys ink by the gallon.

Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river.

Never say "Oops in an operating room.

Never try to out-stubborn a cat.

Never characterize the importance of a statement in advance.

Never eat prunes when you're hungry.

Never say, "Sorry, we don't have what you're looking for." Always say, "I just sold the last one the other day."

Never use one word when twelve will suffice.

Never be the first to do anything.

Never let go of what you have unless you have hold of something else.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow

Never say "sort of" after things like "You're going to live", or "I love you" ( Thanks Aput)