251 posts tagged “humor”
The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Anti proliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.
Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be confusing.
So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.
This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Freudian slip. When you say one thing and mean your mother.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
I used to work in a blanket factory but it folded.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A breakfast boiled egg is hard to beat.
A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and t'aint mine.
His photographic memory was never developed.
When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Those who jump off Paris bridge are in Seine.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Local Area Network in Australia. The LAN down under.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
Dreaming in color is a pigment of your imagination.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu. The same mustard as before.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
Definition of a will. A dead giveaway.
Pay your exorcist, or you'll get repossessed.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
You're stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He fell into an upholstery machine, but is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France: Linoleum Blownapart.
We're all fluent in this modern language. It's what we use when we want
to exaggerate a little bit on our resumes or applications. It's also
what we adopt when we're looking for a new person to join our company
-- or not. Here's one interpretation of this secret labor code that
appears in classified ads, cover letters, and resumes:
"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:" You'll be making under $7 an hour.
"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:" You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:" We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.
"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:" Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
"COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:" Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
"IMMEDIATE OPENING:" The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:" We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
"SELF-MOTIVATED:" Management won't answer questions
"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:" After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:" After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
"SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:" ...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:" We have a lot of turnover.
"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
"FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.
"A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:" We booze it up at company parties.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:" If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:" We'll offer you $22k to start.or $20
"A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:" You'll give boring speeches on your own time.
"FLEXIBLE HOURS:" Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
"DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:" Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control.
"COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:" Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion. Poli-Sci, Econ......
"CAREER-MINDED:" Female Applicants must must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON:" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.
"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:" You whine, you're fired.
"ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:" We loooooove brownnosers.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, I hope they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that read, "I helped skin Bob."
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in some crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it would be like ambition.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
51. Holy war
50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggressive
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
And the Number one top Oxymoron
1. Microsoft Works
Instructions
On instructions for a hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial bath bar:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a frozen dinner package:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap box:
Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tirimisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down (Printed on the bottom of the box)
Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging from a Rowenta Iron.
Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On a bottle of Nytol (a sleeping aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: Contains nuts.
On an American Airlines package of nuts:
Instructions: Open package, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
On a package of Sunmaid raisins:
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vagetables, salads, quiche.
7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last .
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
See ladies blouses. 50% off!
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since many people can't read.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth".
Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate".
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".
When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly in leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Well, aren't we just a ray of frigging sunshine?
3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
5. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
6. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
7. Do I look like a frigging people person?
8. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
11. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
12. You! Off my planet !!
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
15. I like dogs too. Let's exchange recipes.
16. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
17. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
19. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.
20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
23. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
24. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.
25. Allow me to introduce my selves.
26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
28. Better living through denial.
29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
31. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
33. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
34. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
35. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
36. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
37. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
38. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
39. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
40. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
41. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
42. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
43. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
44. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
45. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
46. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
48. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
49. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
50. Okay, okay, I take it back! Un-Screw You!
51. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
52. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
53. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
54. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
55. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."
56. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
57. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.
58. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
59. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
60. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
61. This is a mean and damned cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now!
62. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
63. Earth is full. Go home.
64. Is it time for your medication or mine?
65. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
66. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
67. I plead contemporary insanity.
68. And which dwarf are you?
69. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
70. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
71. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
72. It ain't the size, it's... no, I'm sorry, it really is the size.
73. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
74. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
75. Gene Police!!! Get out of the pool!!
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they get up in the morning that's the best they're going to feel all day.
"My life is like a porno-movie, without the sex".
If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother
Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his
students?
A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.
Camouflage condoms: So they won't see you coming.
A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of
obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients
who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying;
they got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out. All
from the same person.
The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a
surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet
of paper.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out.
"It's me and you against the world. So when do we attack?"
I drink to make other people interesting.
I got a dog and named him "Stay". Now, I go "Come here, Stay!". After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of
female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12
pints of beer each, and observed that 100% of them gained weight,
talked excessively without making any sense, became emotional, and
couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it.
Eat healthy, exercise more, still die.
Always check for ferrets before sitting.
A friend is someone who knows all about you but likes you anyway.
There are three types of people in this world: those who can count and those who can't.
I don't like small cars or really big women but somehow I always find myself in em!
99% of all people in the world walk around with blinders on. The other 1%
walk around in total amazement
.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs, and insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
