Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Bush has one

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3 (my step-mother took on 6!).

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it? 

( Answer below! )

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The answer is: "A Last Name"

In the Second World War the word 'Commie' was a derogatory term for a person belonging to which political party? ............. Conservative.

The wife of a Marquess is known by which title? ............ Duchess.

The road signs in the UK that warn the road user are of what geometric shape? ......... Z.

Macaws are from which family of birds? ............. Kestrels.

What is the technical term for the mass of earth thrown out by an earthworm? ................. Hip.

The island of Sri Lanka lies off the coast of which Asian country? ............ South Africa.

The phrase much used by football pundits is 'early windows' or 'early doors'? .............. Early windows.

Cognac is a fine brandy made from the juice of which fruit? ................ Coconut.

What 'P' is the Spanish word for quick and is used in English to mean 'at once'? .......... Pacy.

Tunis is the capital city of which North African country? ........... Morocco.

Who became US president when Nixon resigned? ............. Kennedy.

What 'L' is the name given to the poet who wins the Nobel prize? ........ Leaf.

The Groucho Marx film is called 'Animal..' what? ........... Instincts.

Which city was the capital of New Zealand until it was replaced by Wellington? ............. New Guinea.

According to the popular wartime song which birds will be over the white cliffs of Dover? ............. Jailbirds.

In the Beano comic which character is known as 'the Minx'? ............................ Dodger.

Cantaloupe, Galia and Honeydew are types of which fruit? ............... Orange.

What is the name for six children born to a mother at the same time? ............. Quintlets.

What is the name of the insect which makes honey? ................. Honey Fly.

The plant sisal is used to make which comodity, rope or tequila? ............ Tequila.

What two words does a drill-sergeant use to make marching troops turn around? .............. Reverse March.

What boy's name goes before 'snipe' and 'daw' to give two birds' names? ................ Peter.

What was the relationship of the author of Wuthering Heights to the author of Jayne Eyre? ........... Father.

What 'X' is the fear of foreigners or strangers? ............ The X-Factor.

In athletics in which discipline does the competitor hold a metal ball under their chin before throwing it? ............. Discus.

Which character in a Bram Stoker novel is reportedly buried in Whitby? ............. Sherlock Holmes.

In the kitchen which container is hermetically sealed and is also known by the metal from which it is made? .......... Plastic.

Which lively dance is the first name for a spotted pattern on fabric? ............ Calico.

What word for the catchment of a river is also the word for a bathroom sink? ............... Tub.

What name for an old British coin goes before 'fowl and 'pig' to give two names of creatures? ............ Penny.

A clog is worn on which part of the body? ............... The bottom.

What word means the order of lessons in schools and the running of trains and buses? ........................ Agenda.

In the modern English alphabet which is the penultimate letter? ........................... Z.

Which percentage of milk is fat, four or forty? ..................... Forty.

A famous publisher of romantic novels was founded by 'Gerald Mills and Charles..' what? .............. Dickens.

What Carly Simon song starts 'You walked into the party like you were walking aboard a yacht'? ........ I Got You Babe.

What is the name commonly given to the hard protective covering of a crab? ............. Skin.

What word can mean touch-down of an aeroplane or the level floor between two staircases? ............. Step.

A person who earns just enough for basic needs is said to live 'hand to ..' what? ....................... Foot.

In the human body what is the name of the main olfactory organ? ................ Liver.

What 'Mr-Man' is depicted as blue and covered in bandages? ............... Mr Accident.

In the children's TV program called The Herbs, 'Parsley' was a depiction of what animal? ............. Hedgehog.

Which is greater: one metre or a thousand centimetres? ................. They're the same.

In America the Golden Gate Bridge is a feature of which city? ................. New York.

What surname do actors Beau and Jeff share with their father Lloyd? ........................ Derek.

A human adult has how many wisdom teeth? ........... Two.

The title of the musical is 'Five Guys Named..' what? .................... Fred.

In the Simon and Garfunkel song 'Homeward Bound' the lyrics are 'I'm sitting in the railway station, got a ticket for my ..' what? .............. Train.

In the song which animal lived in a windmill in Old Amsterdam? .................. Cat.

The column called 'Colemanballs' appears in which satirical magazine? ....................... Which Magazine.

The bushwhacker and outlaw Ned Kelly was born in which country? .................... Canada.

The (UK) National Space Centre is based in which Midlands city? ............... Chicago.

What is twenty-three plus twenty-eight? .................... Forty-eight.

What is a pop song called which has omitted the vocals? ........................... Accupello.

The principal characters in the book Watership Down are what type of creatures? ................ Beavers.

What is the name of a small posy of flowers worn on an evening dress - a dressage or a corsage? ......... Pocket.

What name for someone qualified to fly a plane precedes 'fish' and 'whale' to give the names of two sea creatures? ........ Shell.

What is the name for someone who moves stealthily, or for the plant 'Virginia..'? ............... Wolf.

What word connected to drum, disc and air is associated with slowing down a vehicle? ................ Gun.

What 'B' is another name for the American Buffalo? ................ Boar.

In Maths, 'proper' and 'vulgar' are types of what number? ............ Even numbers.

What 'T' is the answer to any addition sum? ................... Takeaway.

"Once you've learned to correctly pronounce every word in the following poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world. If you find it tough going, do not despair, you are not alone: Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty organization headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language... until they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself."

  ENGLISH IS TOUGH STUFF

  Dearest creature in creation,

  Study English pronunciation.

  I will teach you in my verse

  Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.

  I will keep you, Suzy, busy,

  Make your head with heat grow dizzy.

  Tear in eye, your dress will tear.

  So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

 

  Just compare heart, beard, and heard,

  Dies and diet, lord and word,

  Sword and sward, retain and Britain.

  (Mind the latter, how it's written.)

  Now I surely will not plague you

  With such words as plaque and ague.

  But be careful how you speak:

  Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;

  Cloven, oven, how and low,

  Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

 

  Hear me say, devoid of trickery,

  Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,

  Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,

  Exiles, similes, and reviles;

  Scholar, vicar, and cigar,

  Solar, mica, war and far;

  One, anemone, Balmoral,

  Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;

  Gertrude, German, wind and mind,

  Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

 

  Billet does not rhyme with ballet,

  Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.

  Blood and flood are not like food,

  Nor is mould like should and would.

  Viscous, viscount, load and broad,

  Toward, to forward, to reward.

  And your pronunciation's OK

  When you correctly say croquet,

  Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,

  Friend and fiend, alive and live.

 

  Ivy, privy, famous; clamour

  And enamour rhyme with hammer.

  River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,

  Doll and roll and some and home.

  Stranger does not rhyme with anger,

  Neither does devour with clangour.

  Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,

  Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,

  Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,

  And then singer, ginger, linger,

  Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,

  Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

  Query does not rhyme with very,

  Nor does fury sound like bury.

  Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.

  Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.

  Though the differences seem little,

  We say actual but victual.

  Refer does not rhyme with deafer.

  Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.

  Mint, pint, senate and sedate;

  Dull, bull, and George ate late.

  Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,

  Science, conscience, scientific.

 

  Liberty, library, heave and heaven,

  Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.

  We say hallowed, but allowed,

  People, leopard, towed, but vowed.

  Mark the differences, moreover,

  Between mover, cover, clover;

  Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,

  Chalice, but police and lice;

  Camel, constable, unstable,

  Principle, disciple, label.

 

  Petal, panel, and canal,

  Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.

  Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,

  Senator, spectator, mayor.

  Tour, but our and succour, four.

  Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

  Sea, idea, Korea, area,

  Psalm, Maria, but malaria.

  Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.

  Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

 

  Compare alien with Italian,

  Dandelion and battalion.

  Sally with ally, yea, ye,

  Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.

  Say aver, but ever, fever,

  Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.

  Heron, granary, canary.

  Crevice and device and aerie.

 

  Face, but preface, not efface.

  Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass

  Large, but target, gin, give, verging,

  Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.

  Ear, but earn and wear and tear

  Do not rhyme with here but ere.

  Seven is right, but so is even,

  Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,

  Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,

  Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

 

  Pronunciation--think of Psyche!

  Is a paling stout and spikey?

  Won't it make you lose your wits,

  Writing groats and saying grits?

  It's a dark abyss or tunnel:

  Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,

  Islington and Isle of Wight,

  Housewife, verdict and indict.

  Finally, which rhymes with enough:

  Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?

  Hiccough has the sound of cup. My advice is to give up!

If you can start the day without caffeine;
If you can get going without pep pills;
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains;
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles;
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it;
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time;
If you can forgive a friend's lack of consideration;
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when,
   through no fault of your own, something goes wrong;
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment;
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him;
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend;
If you can face the world without lies and deceit;
If you can conquer tension without medical help;
If you can relax without liquor;
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs;
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice
   against creed or color, religion or politics; then, my friend, you are
   almost as good as your........... 

Some might say that "Maths" and "interesting" cannot be used in the same sentence unless it is with a "not". However, I just received this really interesting forwarded email, that I just had to share it with you guys:

1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321

1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111

9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888

Brilliant, isn't it?

And look at this symmetry:

1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111=12345678987654321

Now, take a look at this...

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint, what Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? Well, we have all been in situations where someone wants you to GIVE OVER 100%.

What equals 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

So:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K can be translated as

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And:

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But:

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

THEN, look how far the love of God will take you:

L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D

12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Love of God that will put you over the top!

1. AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, from which the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER ... THIS IS TRUE ... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough.
Others may stumble, but not you, On
Hiccough, thorough, laugh and through.
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps?

Beware of heard; a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead: it's said like bed, not bead;
For goodness sake don't call it deed.
Watch out for meat and great and threat.
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.)

A moth is not a moth in mother; nor both in bother, broth in brother;
And here is not a match for there,nor dear and fear for bear and pear.
And then there's dose and rose and lose
(just look them up) and goose and choose,
And cork and work, and card and ward,
And font and front, and work and sword,
And do and go, and thwart and cart.
Come, come! I've hardly made a start.

A dreadful language? Man alive! I mastered it when I was five!
I will teach you in my verse
Words like corps, corks, horse and worse.
For this phonetic labyrinth
Yields monkey, donkey, ninth and plinth,
Wounded, rounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dies and diet, lord and word;
Earth and hearth and clerk and herd;
Evil, devil, tomb, bomb, comb;
Doll, roll; dull, bull; some and home.
Finally - for I've had enough -
Through, though, thorough, plough, cough, tough,
While hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advise is give it up.

---

What to Do With Hotel Soap

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London
hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters
to the London Sunday Times!


Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six
unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another
three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from
her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you
requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on
top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This
leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you
had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am
going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own
bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the
shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please
remove them.

S. Berman

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we
are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your
way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I
put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't
remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the
medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to
when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further
assistance.

Your regular maid,
Dotty

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept
my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future
complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I
only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars
of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new
check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars
of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you,

Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room
including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to
call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I
cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are
instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The
situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for
the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last
night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of
Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have
54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me
back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then
you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I
personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3
Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about
the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had
returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily
Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size
Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your
room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:

 - On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1
   stack of 2.

 - On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

 - On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet,

 - 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

 - Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack
   of 2.

 - In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.

 - On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

 - On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than 4  have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window
sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap
deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized
Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
misunderstandings.

S.Berman


Dangerous Driver

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver’s door.

“Is there a problem Officer?”

The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?”

The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”

“You don’t have one?”

The man responds, “I lost it four times for drink driving.”

The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

The policeman says, “Why not?”

“I stole this car.”

The officer says, “Stole it?”

The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”

At this point the officer is getting stressed. “You what!?”

“She’s in the boot if you want to see.”

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”

The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem Officer?”

The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?”

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”

The man says “Yes,” and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.

“One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.”  The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”

The man replies, “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”