My Rojak and Cocktail

Warning Signs !

nobody@vox.com(Rojak and Cocktail) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 07:25:45 -0800

On a lawnmower I had was a big label which read: "WARNING WHEN MOTOR IS RUNNING- THE BLADE IS TURNING!"

We once bought a grocery store pizza and the instruction were on the bottom, so we turned it upside down to see how long to cook it etc., and low and behold the first instruction was DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN!

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice…

My bathroom has inadequate ventilation and therefore, develops mold spots in the lower corners. I attempted to purchase a cleaner specifically designed to remove bathroom mold deposits. The directions on the product label stated, "Only use in well ventilated areas."

Seen on the bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle: "Do not open here."

On a bottle of spray paint: "Do not spray in your face."

On a bottle of bathtub cleaner: For best results, start with clean bathtub before use.

On a container of lighter fluid: WARNING: Contents flammable!

On a bottle of hand lotion: Warning: Starts healing skin on contact.

On a box of household nails: CAUTION! - Do NOT swallow nails! May cause irritation!

Microwave popcorn is packaged so that the directions cannot be read unless you open the plastic and unfold it. Direction #1 is Remove plastic.

On a television commercial that says it cleans dentures 4 times better. Below in small print it said "Lab test: (their product) vs. water.

On a television commercial I saw it said they their denture paste was better than any other. BELOW IT, it said in small letters, vs. using no adhesive.

I have a full-face motorcycle helmet with a giant arrow pointing to the front. I can only guess that some idiot put the helmet on backwards, jumped on a bike and hurt himself. This is to protect to manufacturer from future lawsuits.

One day I went to a wall-mart out of state and I went to buy a blow dryer when I read the warnings it said "DO NOT BLOW DRY IN SLEEP"

Seen on the back of a drink bottle label: "Do not peel label off."

On a Band-Aid box: "For serious injuries, seek medical attention."

On a can of powdered infant formula: "Mix with water before serving." Like I'm going to spoon it to my baby dry!

This stupid label was found on a can of Woolite carpet cleaner: "Safe for carpets, too!"

This label was found on the BOTTOM of a box of glass ornaments: "Do not turn upside down."

On a box of Frosted Cheerio's, the logo, "Tastes so good this box never closes," is located just underneath another announcement: "To close: place tab here."

On a plastic orange juice can: "100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed orange juice from concentrate."

I once saw an ad for some type of contest on a candy bar. The wrapper said "No purchase necessary - Details Inside."

Directions for eating Lunchables Nachos: Dip chips in cheese and salsa.

The golf carts on the course I worked at have warning labels saying, "Not for highway use."

On Clorox Fresh Care: (for cleaning out odors from fabric) "Safe to use in households with pets Warning: Fresh Care is NOT intended to be sprayed directly on pets."

While working at a large medical center in the Midwest, a construction worker was admitted with a large hammer sticking out of his head. Seems he was in an altercation with another gentleman. On the side of the hammer were the words, 'Use protective eyewear.'

On the back of the Pilots seat on NATO AWAC Aircraft (E-3A), is a sign that states: "Seat must be facing forward for take off and landing."

I came upon a bottle of children's cough medicine stating "Caution: May cause drowsiness; do not drive or operate heavy machinery"

On the label of Sterno is a warning that says, "Do not use near fire or flame." Check it out!

Seen on a container of salt:
Warning: High in sodium

Seen on computer instructions: Visit our site for further instructions. http://www.pc.com/pc/instructions.htm

On a hose nozzle there was a warning that said: "Do not spray into electrical outlet."

Seen on an industrial size washer in our local laundry establishment was the (large lettered) sign: "Warning: Do not put any person in this washer."

There is also a stroller on the market with the warning, "Remove child before folding."

I saw a car ad depicting cars driving in the water with fins like sharks. At the end of the ad in small letters it read: "Caution, do not drive underwater"

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VENDING MACHINES

nobody@vox.com(Rojak and Cocktail) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 06:51:00 -0800

An American salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan.

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "But down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures, $20." "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, "This machine provides a service men need when away from their wives, 50 cents."

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit, which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

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Stop redundancy

nobody@vox.com(Rojak and Cocktail) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 07:31:40 -0700

The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Anti proliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be confusing.

So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.

This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.

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Ten Things That You Should Never Say to a Ghost

nobody@vox.com(Rojak and Cocktail) — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 06:24:22 -0700

Ghosts are scary. They move around freely in mansions. They just love to say “Boo” and watch you run away in fright. Here is a list of some things that you should never say to a ghost:

Nice sheet. Did you get it from Martha Stewart?
Hey give me five. What’s the matter? You can’t slap my hand?
Have you seen my friend Boo Boo? I’m Yogi Bear. I’m smarter than the average bear. Oh, you plan to go bear haunting? Well good luck.
I’m tired of your racket. Why don’t you just drop dead?
So whom did you want to take your vengeance on? Me? I’m out of here
Why do you look so white? Have you ever considered applying some makeup?
Hey cheer up. Why aren’t you in such a good spirit?
You really stink. Have you ever considered using deodorant? Why don’t you take a shower?
Would you like a cold draft beer?
Would you quit with the chain music? It’s getting to be a little annoying !

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Funniest Leave Letters ever Written

nobody@vox.com(Rojak and Cocktail) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 07:10:15 -0700

1. Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.

2. This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding: "as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

4. From H.A.L. Administration dept: "As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

6. An incident of a leave letter "I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

7. A leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: "As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

9. Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."

10. Another one: "Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

11. Actual letter written for application of leave: "My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

12. Letter writing: - "I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

13. A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

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A Mess of Puns

nobody@vox.com(Rojak and Cocktail) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 07:33:00 -0700

When she saw her first gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Freudian slip. When you say one thing and mean your mother.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I used to work in a blanket factory but it folded.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A breakfast boiled egg is hard to beat.
A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and t'aint mine.
His photographic memory was never developed.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Those who jump off Paris bridge are in Seine.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Local Area Network in Australia. The LAN down under.
Without geometry, life is pointless.

Dreaming in color is a pigment of your imagination.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu. The same mustard as before.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
A backwards poet writes inverse.

In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
Definition of a will. A dead giveaway.
Pay your exorcist, or you'll get repossessed.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
You're stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He fell into an upholstery machine, but is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France: Linoleum Blownapart.

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Employer Talk

nobody@vox.com(Rojak and Cocktail) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 08:04:15 -0700

We're all fluent in this modern language. It's what we use when we want to exaggerate a little bit on our resumes or applications. It's also what we adopt when we're looking for a new person to join our company -- or not. Here's one interpretation of this secret labor code that appears in classified ads, cover letters, and resumes:

"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:" You'll be making under $7 an hour.

"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:" You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:" We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.

"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:" Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.

"COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:" Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.

"IMMEDIATE OPENING:" The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:" We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

"SELF-MOTIVATED:" Management won't answer questions

"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:" After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.

"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:" After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.

"SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:" ...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:" We have a lot of turnover.

"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

"FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.

"A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:" We booze it up at company parties.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:" If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:" We'll offer you $22k to start.or $20

"A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:" You'll give boring speeches on your own time.

"FLEXIBLE HOURS:" Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

"DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:" Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control.

"COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:" Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion. Poli-Sci, Econ......

"CAREER-MINDED:" Female Applicants must must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON:" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.

"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:" You whine, you're fired.

"ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:" We loooooove brownnosers.

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Deep Thoughts

nobody@vox.com(Rojak and Cocktail) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 07:59:41 -0700

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, I hope they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that read, "I helped skin Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in some crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it would be like ambition.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

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Oxymorons

nobody@vox.com(Rojak and Cocktail) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 07:55:57 -0700

51. Holy war
50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggressive
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance

And the Number one top Oxymoron

1. Microsoft Works

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Instructions

nobody@vox.com(Rojak and Cocktail) — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 07:24:05 -0700

Instructions

On instructions for a hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial bath bar:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

On a frozen dinner package:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap box:
Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tirimisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down (Printed on the bottom of the box)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging from a Rowenta Iron.
Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On a bottle of Nytol (a sleeping aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: Contains nuts.

On an American Airlines package of nuts:
Instructions: Open package, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

On a package of Sunmaid raisins:
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?

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