A man was up before the beak for murdering his pretty, young wife.
Judge: "You stand accused of killing your wife. What do you have to say in your defence?"
Man: "Well your Honour, I came home early and found my wife stark bollock naked in bed with my best friend; so I shot the dirty slut. That's all I have to say."
Judge: "I see nothing in the transcript that mentions what happened to your best friend, would you please tell the court what happened to him?"
Man: " Well your Honour, I pointed my finger at him and said: Bad dog, bad dog!"
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A female student shows up during a young professor's office hours. She
glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels at his feet,
pleading...
"I would do anything to pass the exam".
She leans closer to him, flipping back her hair, gazing
meaningfully into his eyes and sensuously whispers "I mean..., I would
do.... anything!!!".
He returns her gaze. "Anything???"
"Oh yes" she said, "anything!"
He stared into her eyes, and in a whisper said "Would you..... Study?"
- Cold things don’t give off the cold, they take in the heat.
- Every time you move your muscles, 100’s of millions of tiny molecules call adenozine triphospahte are broken down into adenozine diphosphate and energy to make your muscle move.
- Eating celery burns more calories than is actually in the celery itself.
- Drinking cold water helps to burn calories. Your body has to heat up the water to absorb it. Heating the water up is what burns the fat.
- People who aren’t or don’t speak German sound funny when trying to speak it.
- Women get a heroine like rush from hearing themselves talk.
- Jumping on a grenade that’s just landed in your trench to use yourself as a human sacrifice will work and save all the other men in your trench.
- Emos are funny.
- We are closely related to primates
- I’m not sure why you’re reading this.
One Sunday, a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor noticed that someone had contributed a $100 bill. Extremely grateful, he wanted to personally thank the generous person before the whole congregation.
A quiet, elderly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she pointed to the three handsomest men in the congregation: "I'll take him and him and him."
Airplane
An airplane is about to crash and a female passage
stands up and shouts "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a
real woman". She starts frantically removing all her clothes and shouts
again "Is there any one here that can make me feel like a woman?". A
man stands up, quickly takes off his shirt and throws it to her and
says "Here... iron this and then get me a beer!"
Church
An
old couple is sitting in church and the old lady lends over to her
husband and whispers "I just let out a silent fart, what should I do?"
and the old man replies "Well, first you should fix your hearing aid".
Supermarket
A
guy is walking around in a super market when a beautiful blonde woman
waves at him. She approaches and says "I think you are the father of
one of my kids". The man thinks back to the only time and cheated on
his wife and replies "oh shit! Are you the stripper I fucked at my
friends bachelor party while they all watched?" and she replies "No,
I'm your daughter's math teacher."
Doctor
A doctor
walks into a bank and instead of pulling out a pen to endorse a check
with, he accidentally pulls out a rectal thermometer. Embarrassed and
realizing the mistake he says to the clerk "Well, that's just great.
Some asshole has my pen!".
There are several
men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a
cell phone that is on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and
the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh
and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models.
I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a
really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we
bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It
might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I
stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we
had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a
pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover it..."
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye... I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:
"DOES ANYONE KNOW WHO THIS PHONE BELONGS TO?"
It's a beautiful spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo.
She's got on a close-fitting, low cut, pink summer dress with spaghetti
straps.
As they walk thru the ape exhibit, and pass in front of a very large
gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, he grunts, he pounds his chest.
He is obviously excited at the sight of the young lady in the sundress.
The husband, noticing the apes excitement, suggests that his wife tease the ape.
The husband suggests that she pucker her lips and wiggle her bottom.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then her husband suggests that she let one of the straps of her dress slips down.
She does and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear down the bars.
Her husband suggests she lift her dress up her thighs and she does.
This about drives Mr. Gorilla crazy.
Then quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her inside with the gorilla, slams the door shut and gleefully rubbing his hands together says:
"Now, tell him you have a headache."
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.
Record I
Patient A: "So how... this book not bad yah?"
Patient B: "Yah agree, excellent! Astounding work. No nonsense,
sharp and concise to the point. But there's a major flaw in this piece of art
– too many character names to remember!!!"
Record II
A doctor asked a patient: "If I were to cut one of your ears off,
what will happen to you?"
Patient: "Then I will not be able to hear..."
Doctor: "Hmm…that's normal...so if I were to cut your other ear
off, what will happen then?"
Patient: "I will not be able to see..."
The doctor became nervous and asked: "Why would you not see then???"
Patient: "Because my spectacles will fall off..."
Record III
IMH has an old lady who wears black, carries a black umbrella and
squats at the entrance to the IMH everyday without fail, rain or shine.
The doctor wanted to administer treatment for her but decided to
understand her behavior first.
So, the doctor also wears black and carries a black umbrella; squatted
besides her everyday.
The days go by...the two of them squatted side-by-side w/o a single
exchange of word. After one solid month, the old lady finally broke
the silence and asked the doctor: "Err...Excuse me! Are
you also a
mushroom?"
Record IV
A nurse saw a patient writing a letter. She got curious and went to
take a peek. But the patient didn't wanna let her see.
Nurse (unable to contain her curiosity): "Who are you writing to?"
Patient: "I'm writing a letter to myself...."
Her curiosity grew and she thought to herself (Why would someone
write a letter to himself?)
So she asked again: "So...what's written inside?"
Patient (got impatient): "You crazy ah? I haven't received the
letter, how would I know??"
Record V
Two patients escape from the IMH. They climbed up a tree and one of
them fell from the tree and started rolling on the ground.
After a while, the patient below shouted to the one on top: "Hey!
How come you are not coming down yet?"
The patient on top replied: "No. no...I can't...I'm not ripe yet"
Record VI
One patient visited the doctor: "Doc...How? I think I'm a chicken
since the day I was born..."
Doctor: "Wah!
That’s very serious...Why do you only come and seek
treatment now?"
Patient: "Because my family needs me to hatch the eggs..."
Record VII
One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH.
He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked
up the truck and took the flat tyre down. When he was about to fix the
spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain. As he can't
fish the bolts out, he started to panic.
One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened.
The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can
do; he told the patient the whole incident.
The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a
simple
problem...no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..."
Here’s what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres
and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the
missing ones, easy as that"
The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why
are you here at the IMH?"
Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"
