9 posts from May 2009

A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.

Alone: In bad company

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.

Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?

Q: How many jerks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He holds the lightbulb still and lets the world revolve around him.

Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.

He has depth, but only on the surface. Down deep inside, he is shallow.

He is always lost in thought - it's unfamiliar territory.

I'd like to give you a going-away present...but you have to do your part.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter but now I see you are not worth it!

I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving.

I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening

I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.

If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.

If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!

Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.

Instead of being born again, why don't you just grow up?

Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.

Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

The cream rises to the top. So does the scum.

The going got weird and he turned pro.

The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.

We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.

You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt.

Once apon a time (Approximately, 30 years ago) there was a Hipster who had just gotten stoned. He got on a bus and sat at the back where there was a Nun reading the Bible. Being stoned, he asked, “Hey. Wanna hook up and score?”
The Nun simply replied, “No no, thank-you anyway. My virginity is Sacred.” Feeling stupid, the Hippie finally gets to his stop and is about to leave when the bus driver stops him.

“Dude, if you really want to hook up with her, you should go down to the Church every Sunday. She is a Christian and a dedicated one too. She literally LOVES Jesus!” 

This gave him an idea

He dressed up as Jesus and walked into the Church on Sunday. Sure enough, he saw the Nun praying. He walked up to her, held out his arms and said, “Behold. I am the mighty Jesus Christ. Lets score.” She was overjoyed

After it was over he ripped off the Costume and screamed, “Hah! I’m really the Hippie!.”

The Nun simply replied,” And I’m really the Bus Driver.”

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is an accomplished man. Not only is he guiding the war in Iraq, he has been a pilot, a congressman, an ambassador, a businessman, and a civil servant. But few Americans know that he is also a poet.

Rumsfeld's poetry is paradoxical: It uses playful language to address the most somber subjects: war, terrorism, mortality. Much of it is about indirection and evasion: He never faces his subjects head on but weaves away, letting inversions and repetitions confuse and beguile. His work, with its dedication to the fractured rhythms of the plainspoken vernacular, is reminiscent of William Carlos Williams'. Some readers may find that Rumsfeld's gift for offhand, quotidian pronouncements is as entrancing as Frank O'Hara's.

The Unknown
As we know,
There are known knowns.
There are things we know we know.
We also know
There are known unknowns.
That is to say
We know there are some things
We do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns,
The ones we don't know
We don't know.

—Feb. 12, 2002, Department of Defense news briefing

Glass Box
You know, it's the old glass box at the—
At the gas station,
Where you're using those little things
Trying to pick up the prize,
And you can't find it.
It's—

And it's all these arms are going down in there,
And so you keep dropping it
And picking it up again and moving it,
But—

Some of you are probably too young to remember those—
Those glass boxes,
But—

But they used to have them
At all the gas stations
When I was a kid.

—Dec. 6, 2001, Department of Defense news briefing

A Confession
Once in a while,
I'm standing here, doing something.
And I think,
"What in the world am I doing here?"
It's a big surprise.

—May 16, 2001, interview with the New York Times

The Situation
Things will not be necessarily continuous.
The fact that they are something other than perfectly continuous
Ought not to be characterized as a pause.
There will be some things that people will see.
There will be some things that people won't see.
And life goes on.

—Oct. 12, 2001, Department of Defense news briefing

( Read here for more )

Carl Zwanzig

"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together..."

Douglas Adams

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

Albert Einstein

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

Rich Cook

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot- proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."

Edward P. Tryon

"In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time."

Max Frisch

"Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."

Woody Allen

"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."

Fred Hoyle

"There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for."

Christopher Morley

"My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed."

Edward Chilton

"I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge."

Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."

Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road
Do You Love As Good As You Look
Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight?
Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart
Heaven's Just A Sin Away
Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind
Her Cheatin' Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me
Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares
How Can A Whiskey That's 6 Years Old Whup A Man That's 33?
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
I Don't Know Whether To Come Home Or Go Crazy
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
I Don't Want Your Body If Your Heart's Not In It
I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2
I Just Bought A Car From The Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run
So I Figure We Got An Even Deal
I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
I Knew I'd Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up On Top Of Ewe
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
I May Be Used (But Baby I Ain't Used Up)
I Meant Every Word That He Said
I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
I Wanna Whip Your Cow
I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She's Out Of Town
I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
I Wouldn't Take You To A Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win
I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
I'm Gettin' Gray From Being Blue
I'm Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home
I'm Havin' Daydreams About Night Things In The Middle Of The Afternoon
I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
I'm Not Married But The Wife Is
I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
I've Got Four On The Floor And A Fifth Under The Seat
I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies And I'm Blue All The Time
I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back In My Bed While I Cry Over You
I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me, Her Memory Will
If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You
If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?
If It's Got To Be Later, How 'Bout Later Tonight?
If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
If The Jukebox Took Teardrops I'd Cry All Night Long
If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me
If Whiskey Were A Woman I'd Be Married For Sure
If You Can't Feel It (It Ain't There)
If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad
It Takes Me All Night Long To Do What I Used To Do All Night Long
Learning To Live Again Without You Is Killing Me
Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose
My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby
I Can See Through You
Oh, Lord! It's Hard To Be Humble When You're Perfect In Every Way
Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
Please Bypass This Heart
She Feels Like A New Man Tonight
She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
She's Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without.
Swing Wide Your Gate Of Love
Tennis Must Be Your Racket 'Cause Love Means Nothin' To You
Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
The Last Word In Lonesome Is "me"
They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
What Made Milwaukee Famous (Has Made a Loser Out of Me)
When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town)
When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
Who You Gonna Believe, Me Or Your Lying Eyes?
You Can't Deal Me All The Aces And Expect Me Not To Play
You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me
You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
You're A Cross I Can't Bear
You're Ruining My Bad Reputation
You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

A father walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help. 

A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man takes hold of the kid and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand. 

The man then walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son was fine, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the thanks. As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question. "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?" 

"No" the man replies, "I work for the IRS, getting people to cough it up is my business." 

1.) Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

2.) Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

3.) Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

4.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn-down when a guy asked a girl to dance and she refused:
Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you."

5.) Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

6.) Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."

7.) And here's one including the correct snappy return
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized."

8.) After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

9.) A friend once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born."

10.) A friend came up with a very quick response over vacation... We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said "What are you looking at?" My friend, walking next to me said, "He thought you were good looking, but I see he was mistaken."

. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw

3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good

4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be

5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock

7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you

8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going

9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too

10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away

11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it

12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to "tinker" around with

13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb

14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous

15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

17. Wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter

18. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long

19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon

20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag

21. If you were a car, I'd wax you and ride you all over town

22. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"

      Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you"

      Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

23. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine

24. I look good on you

25. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house

26. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?

27. You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?

28. F** me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

29. I love every bone in your body - especially mine

30. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize?

31. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away

32. Do you want to dance, No? Well I guess a fuck is out of the question

33. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

34. I lost my bed, can I borrow yours?

35. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy

36. My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, knead till hard, and serve hot

37. Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long

38. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala

39. Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home without me

40. Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams

41. The word for the night is legs, lets go back to my room and spread the word

42. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, or yield?

43. Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long

44. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room

45. Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons

46. Want to play conductor?? You be the engineer and I'll go.... Choo choo

47. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.

48. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue

49. Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore"

50. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter I stick to the roof of your mouth

The Last 10 Things Any Woman Would Ever Say: