180 posts from 2007

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED—

We are still clueless.

2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM—

We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION—

We know who to blame.

4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH—

It works only so so, but looks very hi-tech.

5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED—

We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy just to get it delivered.

6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE—

The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING—

We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED—

The only person who understood the thing quit.

9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS—

It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT—

Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL—

Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING—

We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION—

I can't wait to hear this bull!

14. SEE ME OR LET'S DISCUSS—

Come into my office, I'm lonely.

15. ALL NEW—

Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

16. RUGGED—

Too damn heavy to lift!

17. LIGHTWEIGHT—

Lighter than RUGGED.

18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT—

One finally worked.

19. ENERGY SAVING—

Achieved when the power switch is off.

20. LOW MAINTENANCE—

Impossible to fix if broken.

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

And last but not least......

8. WHY ARE MEN EVEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

A guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, “Whats the first thing you notice about me?”

The guy responds, “Why, You don’t have any ears.”

Interviewer: “Get out! Send in the next guy.”

2nd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, “Whats the first thing you notice about me?”

The guy responds, “Why, You don’t have any ears.”

Interviewer: “Get out! Send in the next guy.”

This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy “What ever you do, just play cool and don’t say anything about his not having any ears - He’ll kick you right out.”

3rd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, “Whats the first thing you notice about me?”

The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, “Why, you wear contact lenses don’t you.”

The interviewer says, “That’s impressive that you’re so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?”

3rd guy “Because you don’t have any damn ears to hang glasses on.“

In the beginning was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was completely without substance.
And the darkness was upon the face of the workers.
And they spoke among themselves saying,
"It is a crock of shit and it stinketh."

And the workers went unto their supervisors, and sayeth:
"It is a pail of dung, and none can abide the odor Thereof"

And the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them,
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong,
such that none can abide it."

And the managers went unto the directors and sayeth, "It is a
vessel of fertilizer, and none can abide its strength." And the
directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, "It
contains that which aids plant growth, and is very strong."

And the directors went unto the vice presidents and sayeth to them,
"It promotes growth, and is very powerful."

And the vice presidents went unto the president, and sayeth
unto him, "This new plan will actively promote growth and
efficiency of this company, and certain areas in particular."

And the president looked upon the plan, and saw that it was good.
And the plan became policy.
And this is how shit happens.

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

Drink Liquor

Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large shots of Jack Daniels, you'll discover you have strong views about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a wealth of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

Make things up

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that you are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. Don't say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 below the mean gross poverty level."

Note: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make that up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath house."

Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases

Memorize this list:

• Let me put it this way
• In terms of
• Vis-a-vis
• Per se
• As it were
• Qua
• So to speak
• well, any-who

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not."

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say:

"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."

You never win arguments talking like that. But you will win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

• You're begging the question.
• You're being defensive.
• Don't compare apples and oranges.
• What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

Here's how to use your comebacks:

You say "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..."
Your opponents says "But Lincoln died in 1865."
You say "You're begging the question."

or

You say "Liberians, like most Asians..."
Your opponents says "But Liberia is in Africa."
You say "You're being defensive."

Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

You now know how to out-argue anybody.

Warning: Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client, out of the blue, asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her… don’t reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, “I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara.” The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, “No problem!! I have. I have.”

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, “I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France.” The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, “Okay, okay. I build. I build.”

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she’d better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, “Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis.” The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, “Okay, okay. I cut. I cut.”

Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.

Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to be 300 pounds to get the automatic doors to open.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.

There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.

It's not who you know, it's whom you know.

There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

That guy is so old he shops at EXTREMELY Old Navy.

In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Remember: First you pillage then you burn.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

This is a letter sent to a Bank in the US. The Bank thought it amusing enough to publish in the New York Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place seven or eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.

To this end, please be advised about the following changes:

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set of menus:

 1. To make an appointment to see me

2. To query a missing repayment

3. To make a general complaint or inquiry

4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received.

5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received.

6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.

7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.

8. To leave a message on my computer: To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.

9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through to 9 The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie. "Oh, the banks are made of marble with a guard at every door and the vaults are filled with silver that the miners sweated for" After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it off by heart.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost; a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Enquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

 May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.

 Your humble client.